Some children are a joy to be around. They are pleasant and polite and treat others with respect. Other hcildren are very different. They may be noisy, rude, and defiant. Does one of these describe your child (children) or are they somewhere in between? Most parents want well-behaved children and the best way to achieve that goal is to teach good manners from the beginning. Parents can teach manners through direct teaching, reminding, and setting a good example.

What are manners?

Manners are skills for showing respect to others and to yourself.  They are based on kindness and common sense.  Good manners help social situations run more smoothly.  Teaching your children to use good manners at home and away from home makes life more pleasant for everyone.

And knowing how to be polite will give children self-confidence and help them avoid embarrassment.  All of us have had that shrinking feeling when we do something rude or unkind in public.  Children feel the same way.  Teaching good manners by correcting a child won’t harm his/her self-esteem.  In fact, it will improve self-esteem because others will respond positively to their good manners.

What manners should children know by the time they start school?

• At age two, they should say, “please,” “thank you,” and “I’m sorry.”
• At age three to four, they should begin learning table manners such as chewing with their mouths closed and holding a spoon.  They should also be able to follow basic instructions and not interrupt when adults are talking.
• At age five to six, they should be able to hold and use silverware; pass and ask for food; keep napkins in their laps to use correctly; avoid talking with their mouths full; and keep their elbows off the table.  They should also learn to set the table for family meals.
• Also at age five to six, children should learn how to greet adults by looking them in the eyes and shaking hands.

By the time they leave elementary school, youth should know:

• How to introduce parents and other family members to adults such as teachers or youth workers.
• How to answer the phone politely and safely, and how to take messages.
• How to behave and order in a restaurant.
• How to write simple thank you notes.
• How to hold a conversation with an adult.

What can you do?

Teaching children kindness and consideration for others involves four steps.

1. Talk about and teach social skills.  The best way to teach your child is to set a good example.  If you tell your child to do something but don’t do it yourself, he/she will learn that it’s not really important.  When discussing manners with your child, be specific.  Instead of saying, “Be nice,” tell him/her to smile, say “please” and “thank you,” and share.
2. Give the child plenty of opportunities to practice social skills.  Children don’t learn just by seeing and talking about new information.  Give the child a chance to practice the skills in everyday life.  Role-play situations that you think are important. Let the child pretend to be host, and teach them to be ready for their guests, to include them in play, to show them around, and to let them go first.  Then switch and let them play “guest.”  Teach them to walk (not run) inside the house, to clean up after themselves and to tell their host, “Thank you for having me.”
3. Give positive and helpful feedback on the child’s progress.  Teach one or two skills at once.  After they become habit, start teaching the child one or two new ones. Notice when your child uses a new skill, either in role-play or “in real life.”  Tell them what they did, and then encourage more of the same with praise, hugs, and smiles.  When your child says or does something really rude, wait until you get home to correct them.  They may already feel embarrassed, and scolding them publicly will make it worse.
4. Have patience!  Remember that mistakes should be learning opportunities.  Good manners cannot be learned in a day!